As I returned my employee badge and walked out of the Bloomberg office for the last time, I felt a deep sense of lostness and relief. My decision to pursue an MBA this fall received mixed responses since my announcement, mostly positive and encouraging. There was one repeated reaction, however, that perplexed me a little: “I admire your courage!”
I couldn’t wrap my head around it because I, a financially independent, single (on paper), 28 year-old woman who doesn’t have a family to raise and isn’t obsessed with owning real estates or luxurious goods, didn’t think I had much to lose. Other than two years of (average) income and the incredible company benefits, what else had I given up? Does this really make me courageous? I heard the same comment before when I moved to Canada alone at the age of 15, and when I started a new job in Singapore after graduating from NYU. Have I been able to live past my own record and standard this time around?
As I took the time to settle into my first-ever summer of unemployment, I reflected deeply on the past two years of my application and decision journey, which in hindsight were painstaking. Instead of thinking about where I got brave, I found some fears that made the decision difficult. These are likely common, submerged fears that we all face but tend to neglect when we want to make a decision to change jobs, locations, lifestyles, relationships and so on. I am nowhere near figuring it out, but I always believe the first step to solve a problem is to recognize, diagnose, and reflect.
Here are the fears that I thought about. I’m no counsellor so will stick to sharing my thought process instead of tips or advice.
x Losing our influence and network, which make comfort zones extra comfortable
This is a relatively obvious type of fear that we face when we move to a new environment, especially after building a good presence and helpful networks in a company, organization or industry. We become familiar with how everything works, what it takes to get the work done, whom to influence to achieve results and even how we as individuals respond to challenges. This is not to say the work is necessarily repetitive or uninteresting, but simply, the way we think and react become predictable, which gives us control, confidence and hence comfort. For myself, I had a wild ride in the company across two regional offices, four departments, six roles and a dozen of memorable projects. It is nowhere near boring or lack of career growth. However, I realized as I enjoyed my network, accomplishments and great support system in the company, I also started to fear losing the comfort zone I had built for myself. I knew I needed to do something to be truly comfortable with myself, not just my surroundings or achievements (will explain the choice for education another time!).
x Discovering new things about ourselves, which we might not like
I’ve always found it easier to accept the flaws of others than my own, and diving into changes often accelerates self-discovery in both good and disappointing ways. For example, the scariest part about moving to a new country is probably not the language, the cultural shock or all the challenges associated with building a new life somewhere – but the realization that you’re not as good as you expected to adapt to all the changes. Similarly, as I was going through my MBA applications, I realized I had many conflicting values and priorities, which made education and career decisions more painful than I expected. Accepting this was the hardest part of the application for me (not the exam or the essays, to my surprise), but I can’t tell you how happy I am to have gone through that process. If everything fails, knowing what’s more important to me and being able to give up on other things (I know, such first-world problems) will keep me grounded, guided and content in the long run. I guess this part made me feel pretty brave.
x Dealing with doubts
Whenever we jump into something new, there are almost always voices of objection, both from others and from ourselves. It’s never easy to ignore doubts, especially if they come from trusted family, friends and experienced professionals, but having to address them can make us anxious, confused and frustrated. It’s only natural to fear the volume and magnitude of doubts.
For me, there were a million questions I was asked or asked myself before deciding to embrace a higher education (and unemployment). For example, would an MBA really pay off? Are you sure you can stay in the U.S. (visa-related)? How will you cope with tax rates three times higher than in Hong Kong/Singapore? Will you find a role that you really enjoy after graduation? Will you ever be in such a great team again? and so, many, more. I think they are only fair because when I dug into the competitiveness among MBA graduates every year and the larger geopolitical and economic outlook worldwide, uncertainty is only an understatement.
But nothing is really certain anyways, and grass will always be greener on the other side. The cure is to focus on the present moment. Someone once told me that I should only think about what I want to achieve in next two years – which gives me short-term motivation and action points – and the next 25 years, which will my north star. I start to find this approach particularly useful. Now, I try to ask myself what my top three goals are in the next two years, including career, academic, social and personal? What can I do this afternoon or tomorrow that can take me to those goals, even for just 10 minutes? What skills and strengths will make me stand out? What are gaps that I must fill?
x Finally, disappointing others, and ourselves
I have been very fortunate to have strong support from family, friends and colleagues for many of my own milestones. Sometimes the higher and faster I go, the more I see myself falling in the trap of fearing for disappointment. What would I say to my cheerleaders if I can’t “wow” them again? What if I can’t end up in places I desired, which would be a huge disappointment to myself and a waste of money and time?
Truth is, no one cares. I must live the life I choose, stick to my purpose, and enjoy it – and so will you. This may just be the moment of courage for all of us.
Global Citizen 