Originated from Christianity, St. Valentines Day is now widely celebrated around the world to flaunt gestures of love. In Asian cities, the commerciality of it prevails as flowers, presents and couples (ha) engulf clamorous urban streets.
To me, Valentine’s Day has always meant more than romance. The most recent example is when I found out that Michael Bloomberg, our well respected leader, was born on this special day.
Coincidentally – and also what I want to write about today – my mother shares the same birthday. Having been in China all her life, she was pleasantly surprised when Valentine’s Day erupted many years ago. While I never missed sending her wishes and surprises (probably the only thing I’m better at than my father), I finally got to celebrate it with her in person this year as it conveniently coincides with Chinese New Year.
Ironically, for fortunate and unfortunate reasons, we happened to be celebrating the special day this year with no valentines but with each other, together with my grandmother. This is when I also realized how much I had wanted to tell the stories of these two great women, whose impacts on me are beyond tremendous and certainly, lifelong. Their stories, like those of many other ordinary Chinese women or just women, are overshadowed by the spotlights shone on the world’s best, the famous, the rich, you name it. But their stories deserve to be told, as greatness often arises from the ordinary, the grass-root and the insignificant.
As education and social, enterprise progresses brought women opportunities, the discourse I hear often around feminism measures our “value” by our presence at workplace, or achievements. I don’t think that’s all. To me, true opportunity and recognition for women lie within the notion of choice, as well as their ability to make the choice. These two women in my life, who are nowhere close to “successful” by today’s standard, are the epitome of what I think to be true independence, empowerment and inspiration.
Giving Up Her World for Blind Faith in Science
My non-biological grandmother never had children. At the age of 20, she was married to my grandfather who is her cousin. To those who are not familiar, arranged marriage was a common (and only) practice in Chinese society at the time. Because of the lack, or rather complete absence of science education, most people had no idea about the risk of marrying relatives.
Her life was so ordinary that she could have borne children, bet on her luck and probably lived on like all others did around her. But with her elementary-school-level education, her own curiosity to learn about basic biology and more so impulsiveness, she took abortion bills that she bought off a unlicensed street vendor when she was pregnant (contraception was probably unheard of at the time). The result was traumatizing: her womb was permanently damaged, not to mention that she almost lost her life.
I heard the story second-hand from my mother and wondered if my grandmother actually did the damage on purpose. In that society, she would have been forced to bear children again as long as she was fertile. Women were assets and had absolutely no place for decision-making. But she did it. Though in such a ridiculous and terribly harmful way, she did it.
This is what I feel feminism meant in her era. In an extremely underdeveloped and close-up society, she made a conscious, thoughtful decision with the resources she had. While that “irrational” decision might have spurred turmoil or even disgrace in her family, she did what she believed was right, which also turned out to be right after 40 years (pointing to having children with relatives, no offense to pro-life folks). My mother, one of the four children of my grandmother’s brother, also enjoyed the financial and educational privilege of being the only child who was then able to move to the city. Though I generally think being the only child has more cons than pros, I can’t deny the exceptional resources that my mother and I were granted.
By the way, my grandmother was a kindergarten teacher all her life until retirement. To this day, some of her students still come by and thank her for her kind generosity.
Choosing Her Own Road and Advancing It Curiously
My mother’s life is much more “civilized” in comparison, although certainly not as prosperous as her generation in the western world, or other developed regions of China. Because of the opportunity she had after coming to the capital city of the province, she earned a college degree, got a stable job and met my father.
Like my grandmother, she could have lived her life just “the way it should be” according to her social norm. But this woman, as appeasing and timid as she may seem, always had a dream! When I was in elementary school, she quit her long-wearying manufacturing job at a machine tool firm and started her own career as a salesperson for beauty and healthcare products. She was almost too busy attending fashion events and training sessions overseas, and this almost cost her the then 10-year marriage and a happily growing-up daughter. At the end, she compromised, returning to a stable job as a university librarian.
Today’s feminists may be criticizing her already for holding back, and even my father for being not the most supportive partner. While it is all true, I don’t think the outcome would have been surely “better” if she had chosen otherwise. I certainly wouldn’t have turned out the way I am, and neither would have my father. She did make a sacrifice, but I know that was the result of her own educated decision, combined with mature conversations with her beloved husband. Plus, she had no regrets until today, despite of terrible turmoil in the family which I hope speak about another time.
Returning to family may have made her give up adventures and ambition, but never curiosity for life. I grew up watching Disney cartoons – which was very rare among my classmates given little western cultural influence in China at the time – because my mother believed in early English education (I also watched many Chinese ones, in case you think she is brainwashed). Before the age of 12, I had many pets, did grocery shopping, dyed roses with ink and conducted terribly messy science experiments (perhaps why I never pursued sciences), all because my mother believed in the importance of fostering curiosity and the ability to “make” and “create.” In 4th grade, I also joined force with four other classmates to start a fundraiser for the 2004 Indonesian tsunami, because my mother believed in social responsibility.
Nothing impressive to those who grew up in developed countries, right? But remember, that was in a 2nd tier Chinese city 15 years ago, when China’s GDP was merely 1/6 of what it is today.
That’s her story, and the most feminist, inspiring story of my lifetime. I agree that gender equality still has MUCH room for improvement, as my mother did face many cultural and personal challenges because of inequality. But as I strive to succeed in my career and try to elevate that idea with my generation’s aspiration, I never thought that my way is the only way. There is no problem of women choosing to devote time to work or stay at home; the important thing is to always make good decisions and never give up on what you believe in and who you are. That’s what made these two women beautifully inspiring, and I’m sure there are many alike in your own life too.
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Although it can be lonely not having a Valentine to spend the day with, I hope this can bring some warmth to the single ladies and gentlemen. If you already have grand plans for the celebration, I really do wish you a beautiful, memorable time with your loved ones.
Happy Birthday, Mom, Mike, Anni’s nephew and all other millions of birthday stars born on this special day.
And at last, thank you so so much for reading till the end. No matter who and where you are, I wish you the liveliest and most cheerful spirits of a Happy Chinese New Year!
Global Citizen 